Has our generation lost the art of in-person community?

Why we're re-considering our approach to hosting, fellowship and community

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My Notes feed is full of people excited about the community here on Substack, and I get it, I love this online space too - it’s a fresh breath of air from all the other social media platforms that have become saturated with influencers, brands and ads.

But it’s made me wonder if perhaps in our search for community online, we’ve lost the beauty of community and fellowship in person.

When we host or get together with friends or family, people are quick to leave after an hour or two. It’s nearly impossible to coordinate schedules to get together because our lives are so busy and over-scheduled.

We live in a consumer-driven country where we are influenced to keep buying more and more, with people financing the majority of big purchases, so then you have to keep working to keep making payments, leaving little time for family or community.

Few of us know our neighbors, let alone have had them over for a meal. Our lives are much too busy - we simply don’t have time for long lunches, al fresco dinners, or long talks over tea.

It’s no wonder so many of us feel anxious, stressed out, overstimulated, alone. A Surgeon General study says we are in an epidemic of loneliness and isolation with half of Americans experiencing persistent loneliness (the numbers are even higher in young people!). The report's top recommendation was to prioritize connection.

We’ve also lost the simplicity of gathering for the purpose of fellowship rather than appearances, because we care too much about how a gathering will look online in photos than actually being present with each other in person.

Worst of all? It’s rare nowadays to find younger people who are good at having deep conversations that aren’t rushed, full of gossip, interrupted by our phones or in need of some sort of entertainment to keep our attention.

Because most of us today spend more time looking at screens and how others are living their lives online than we do face to face in conversation with other people.

It’s no wonder that researchers who study the impact of screen time on kids are saying human interaction is becoming a luxury good. That how comfortable someone is with social interaction could one day soon start to show your social class and impact your earning potential!

My recent feel good show is Emily in Paris. There’s a scene where the main character goes to Italy and is invited to a birthday lunch. The lunch is in a cobblestone courtyard with two dozen people sitting at a long table outdoors. The table is full of food made from real, fresh ingredients, and the lunch takes the entire afternoon.

Emily gets up to take a photo of the festivities and the matriarch of the family says she can take a photo but not to post it on social media, that they like to keep things private.

As I watched, I felt this deep yearning to re-create that for myself and my family. Not once in awhile or for special occasions, but to make it a part of our daily life.

I’m also a fan of the Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex, so I got really excited to see her help launch the opening of a new bookstore called the Godmothers in California (book stores are one of my favorites places!).

Images by Elizabeth Holmes for Town & Country

Seeing the images of a bookstore store created for community made me wish there was more of that in our country and that small bookstores and community gathering places like that could thrive economically.

But, since most of us spend most of our times at home, work and on our screens, and alone, gathering places like that have mostly gone out of vogue.

My husband and I talked about this the other night and we reminisced about how when we were kids, our parents would get together often with their siblings, usually Sundays after church and for holidays.

The parents would sit and talk for hours, first over a meal, then tea and cake, and then as evening drew near, the leftovers would come out again for round two. Us kids would run around and play with our cousins until it got dark.

No rush. No phones. No screens. Just good, homemade food and fellowship.

So, how do we re-create that sense of community today?

How do we bring up our kids to love in-person fellowship more than screen time?

How do we model for them cultivating deep friendships in our local communities and the local church and not only online?

How do we teach our kids to love interacting with people of all ages and the art of good conversation?

How do we get off the hamster wheel of buying material things and scrolling our phones and embrace slow, intentional living offline?

I don’t have all these answers, but my husband and I agree that we want to instill this into our family way of life, and in turn, make it part of our family legacy, so we’re going to look for ways to prioritize gathering for fellowship going forward.

In this season of raising littles and building a business, it’s tempting to say we’re too busy and that getting together with others is inconvenient with nap times and early bedtimes for the kids.

But there will always be excuses for opting out of community. It’s easier to stay in our comfort zones and routines where it’s safe and comfortable than to be vulnerable in opening up to someone else or to open our home for food and fellowship on a regular basis. And in many ways, it can be easier to look for community online than in person.

You want to know one more benefit of in person community?

Better health.

Researchers at Washington University in St. Louis compared the stress response of parents who had a child with cancer to parents whose children were healthy overall. This enabled them to evaluate the impact of ongoing stressful situations on the immune system. As expected, the parents of cancer patients had greater inflammation and reduced immune capacity. However, the research discovered that these negative immune responses could be mitigated through social connections and support from the community.

In a different study, researchers took a look at the effects of loneliness and concluded that isolation can alter immune cells and weaken the vagus nerve's tone. Positive interactions and connections with other people, on the other hand, strengthen the vagus nerve, helping the body transition from a stressed state into a calm one. This also leads to a stronger immune system and less chronic inflammation.

We are created for connection, the kind that you can’t find exclusively online. Without it, we suffer mentally, spiritually and physically.

What are your thoughts on all of this?

How are you making time for community?

Until next time,

Whenever you’re ready, here are four ways I can help you:

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