No. 62. Learning to quit

How I'm dealing with feeling overwhelmed and living led, not driven

I’ve always prided myself on being able to juggle a lot, but that’s been harder since I became a mom. I am finding that I get anxious and overwhelmed so much faster, and as a result, I need to prune things out of my life - even good things - and create margin. That’s hard to accept for someone like me, but for the last few weeks, God has slowly been nudging my heart to stop doing more than God’s calling me to do. 

In Sweden, there’s actually a concept called lagom that encourages “trying to find balance and moderation rather than constantly grasping for more.” Basically, it’s enjoying the “just right” and appreciating that sometimes less really is more. 

I recently finished two books that both rounded out this lesson: Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away by Annie Duke and Led, Not Driven by Valerie Woerner (highly recommend both, especially if you’re a Type A, go-getter, productivity driven, goal loving gal like me!). 

In Quit, Annie talks about why we often keep doing things that create losses for us, and how as a result, we often miss out on better things. One example she shared is of Sears. I’ve only ever known it as a department store, but at one point, Sears had a thriving financial business, including owning Allstate Insurance, the Discover card, and Coldwell Banker.

But, when its department stores started losing money after the rise of places like Wal-Mart and Target, the founder of Sears wanted to stay true to his retail roots and sold off the financial parts of the business in order to fund the retail arm of the business. Sears retail ended up going bankrupt, the founder lost all of his fortune trying to keep the business alive, and the financial businesses he sold are now each valued at billions of dollars. 

In hindsight and looking at it objectively, we wonder why someone would do that. 

But, we all do this daily. Maybe not at this magnitude or scale, but we’re all guilty of either waiting too long to quit or quitting too early.

Annie’s book is basically a tutorial on how to figure out your lagom by knowing when to quit something, even if you’re quitting something that has been a source of something good for you. Annie has multiple examples of people who quit “too early” through an outsider’s perspective, but quitting allowed them to step into something even better. 

In Led, Not Driven, Val talks about the Good Samaritan story in Luke 10, and how the priest and the Levite likely were on their way to do something they thought was important and maybe even what they considered Kingdom work. But even though it may have been good work they were rushing to do, it may not have been the work God had for them at that moment. 

Does that convict anyone else? 

Because so often I run ahead of God, chasing dreams and shiny new ideas, trying to make things happen and then drowning in mom guilt and anxiety because I’ve filled my life at capacity.

Yet, I think it’s all good. It’s all worthwhile work. Why would God ever call me to quit a ministry? A perfectly clean home? Striving to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes? 

In 1 Corinthians 10:23, Paul writes: “‘Everything is permissible,’ but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible,’ but not everything builds up.” I can do all the good things. The world or people around me may even tell me I should do certain things. But it doesn’t mean it is what God is calling me and my family to in this season. 

I feel bad even saying this, but there have been moments in the past year, where I felt like Levi was in the way of me accomplishing what I needed to do: whether it was answering a work email or getting a work project done, hoping I’d be able to sit through an entire sermon at church, or trying to wash the bathroom. I get frustrated and annoyed that he isn’t fitting into my plan and schedule. 

Honestly, this happens most often when I have too much on my plate and I’m operating at capacity. As Val says in her book, “My kids will always be in the way if I’m doing more than what God has called me to do.”

So, I’m trying to hold everything in my life, on my schedule, and on my to-do list with open hands by daily asking God what He would have me do that day. And some days, that’s a question I have to ask every hour: “Lord, what is the better thing in this moment?” 

Let me tell you, it’s a painful question to ask. Because what if God asks me to give up something I truly want and love? What if He detours my plans? What if it’s going to throw off my entire day and leave my to-do list untouched? 

Because once you start asking God that question, He may ask you to quit something when it feels like it’s quitting too early or letting go of a good thing. But quitting is trusting that God has something better in store for us. Our obedience is going to make room for Him to lead us.

And sometimes, the “more” God has for us could just be for the good of our mental health and to give us peace from the striving. 

Because it’s hard to hear God when our lives are going a hundred miles per hour and are filled with noise and how other people are living their lives. Sometimes, it takes quitting something or a lot of things - even if it’s for a season - in order to hear what God would have you pick back up and add to your plate in order to live out lagom.

Here is how I’m applying this in my life: 

• Take inventory of what’s filling your days, thoughts, schedule & to-do list and prayerfully re-evaluate if it is what God is calling you to at this moment. Quit the things that are taking time and nutrients from the better things in your life. Create margin in your home, calendar, mind, and life. It doesn’t matter what other people will say or think of your decisions to quit.  

• Consider why you feel like you have to do or be certain things. My husband does this often with me when I come to him with a new idea or something I want to start or get: “Are you being influenced?” Honestly, many times, the answer is yes. Because I’ll see something on Instagram or listen to what someone said I “should” do if I want to be a “good” mom and then I’m rushing to do that. But if it isn’t something God is calling me to, then I shouldn’t add that to my life.

  So, before you add something else to your plate (or even let something into your mind), ask yourself: “Am I doing this for me .. or am I doing it for them? Are you doing this because it fulfills a purpose and calling over your life? Are you doing this because you feel like God is asking you to? Or are you doing this because she is or because you feel like you should? 

• Know your season. This podcast episode by Christy Wright describes this so well, so give it a listen, but part of knowing what to quit is knowing what season you’re in and what truly deserves your attention now.

• Prayerfully define what success looks like to you and for your family. Write it out specifically and come back to that on every decision. Don’t take on anything else without first consulting those written words and deciding intentionally if that will serve your big vision and success for your life. So, what does success look like for you? Now, go do that and ignore and say no to everything else.

• Create a yes & no list. This post is a great overview of how to do this, but it helps so much to know what you’re going to say yes and no to in this season. For example, I’m trying to learn to say no to new side hustle or ministry ideas that don’t align with what I’ve already committed to. I tend to have shiny object syndrome where I want to start working on every new idea that comes into my mind, and then I find it hard to finish any one thing. But having clear yes and no lists helps maintain your boundaries when something does come up and you’re feeling pressured or influenced to say yes, even when you know you don’t have capacity. 

I’d love to hear - how do you deal with overwhelm? What are your thoughts on quitting?

Until next time,

YPS

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This week’s favorites

Get Your Hopes Up Podcast by Christy Wright

I’ve been binge listening to this podcast lately and it’s been so in line with what God has been teaching me about quitting (like this episode about how to make plans and let God lead and this episode on how to discover what’s next for you).

Why Millennial Working Mothers are Leaning Sideways (Vogue)

I found this article so interesting to read because it’s something I feel like I’m currently thinking through: studies, conducted by Harvard Business School and the Wharton School, concluded that working women today are neither leaning in nor leaning out. Instead, they’re choosing to lean sideways.

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