June 2024 recap + postpartum body image

Life lately & when do postpartum body image issues become immodest?

Welcome! APL is a newsletter for the woman desiring to build a strong marriage, purposeful life and an enduring family legacy.

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June was a month of settling. We’ve unpacked 80% of our belongings, hung pictures on most walls, and our new house is starting to feel like home.

Fescue seed harvest came early this year, so most of June, Daniel was at the seed house, working from 9-10 am until midnight or even as late as 2 am; and he’s been spending his mornings in our garden - the corn, zinnias and sunflowers are starting to come up beautifully but I don’t know if our tomatoes are going to make it this year.

While Daniel’s been getting our business established, I’ve been trying to make our house a home, doing seed house admin work, and finding a rhythm of being a mom of two. Since I’ve always worked full time and my first maternity leave was really stressful because Levi was extremely fussy, these last 6-7 weeks have been my first true experience of what it’s like to be a stay at home mom full time. It’s hard, but it’s also gotten easier once the house started feeling more like home and we established rhythms and routines to our day.

I am going back to work in July and it’s bittersweet. I miss my work and I’m excited to get back to my team and the projects waiting for me, but I’m also really going to miss spending all day with my kids and seeing all those little things they do and say that make you smile. We’re blessed to have found a nanny though and I get to work from home, so I’ll still get to see my kids throughout the day, and for that I’m so grateful.

We’ve also been trying to take the boys, especially Levi, to the seed house often. He loves it there and asks every day to go to work with dad. That, plus seeing how much my husband is loving this work and thriving in this new challenge is a regular reminder that the steps of faith and risks we took to get here are a worthwhile investment in our family legacy.

Now, on to something else on my mind a lot lately: postpartum body image.

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I debated whether to make this post public, because it feels so vulnerable to share, but I also know most women struggle with the changes our bodies go through in pregnancy and postpartum, so I’m sharing how it’s been impacting me.

You’d think going through this a second time, I would be better prepared for how my body would change through pregnancy and postpartum. 

But I wasn’t. And somehow, this time feels even harder.

I gained 60-70 pounds with my first pregnancy. Most of the weight didn’t come off until I stopped nursing when Levi was 14-15 months and I started doing strength training multiple times a week. 

But I got pregnant again a few months later, still 20 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I gained around 50 pounds with my second pregnancy. After delivery, I lost maybe 15-20 pounds? I can’t say for sure because the last few weeks of pregnancy, I stopped looking at the scale at the doctor’s office because it made me cry. 

Now, three months postpartum, I’m still at the same weight I was after giving birth and 60 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight (which was the top end of the healthy weight range for my height and age). 

Even doing all the “right” things: getting at least 10k steps a day (most days I’m at 12-16k with an active toddler and a baby that insists I only stand as he naps), prioritizing protein, eating mostly whole foods, etc. I’m not perfect - I still have a sweet tooth but I’d say 70-80% of the time, I try to eat well. 

But the thing about my body — the way it’s always been for me — is that when I’m stressed and not sleeping, my body clings to weight and balloons. My sisters and friends would have a stressful season and drop weight quickly, but when my life gets stressful, even if I barely eat, I gain weight.

So, it makes sense why the scale won’t budge: Since Luke was born 3.5 months ago, we moved to a different state two weeks postpartum, lived with my in laws for seven weeks, my husband quit his job, we bought and started building up a business right at harvest (the busiest season for this type of business!), bought and moved into a new house, and launched the Legacy Guide, all with a toddler and a baby strapped to me in a wrap and sleeping 1-3 hour stretches at night. 

That’s a lot of stress with all these changes. And there’s definitely very little sleep. 

I’m also constantly hungry as I nurse around the clock.

So, it seems impossible to ask my body to lose weight when it has so much going against it. 

I’ll walk by the mirror and not recognize myself. I still look at least 5 months pregnant. I want to hide my body, even from my husband’s eyes. He compliments me but my mind tells me he’s lying. I avoid mirrors and I refuse to stop and look at myself in mirrors or photos because it makes me cry.

I have very few photos or videos with my kids in this season because I hate how I look; I know I’ll regret not documenting myself in this season but I can’t seem to get my mind to un-see the extra weight on me. 

95% of my clothes don’t fit me. Including the bigger sizes I bought last postpartum season. I keep browsing for clothes online thinking I’ll find something that will make me feel pretty again, but I either don’t buy it because I think everything looks bad on me or return it because it in fact does look bad on me. I wear the same few things that fit that I bought in a bigger size, even though I don’t feel pretty in them.

The thing is, I know I’m not the only one. I’m in several postpartum Facebook groups and each day, I see multiple posts of moms asking for advice on how to lose the pregnancy weight and sharing their frustrations that no matter what they do, the scale won’t budge.

To read the rest of this essay, download the Led by the Shepherd e-book: