Wives, doing this will transform your marriage

Turns out, I don't always know best and that's a good thing!

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Our toddler discovered popsicles this summer, specifically the ones that are in a plastic tube and come in liquid form that you have to freeze before eating. I’d open the popsicles by cutting the top off with scissors.

My husband saw me doing this one day and suggested cutting the popsicle in half instead. Which sounded weird to me, but in the spirit of being an obedient wife, I cut the popsicle in half.

That was indeed a better technique - easier for our toddler to eat and less of a mess.

So, what do popsicles have to do with marriage?

Turns out, a lot.

There’s thing we do as wives: we really like control - specifically, how and when things get done, especially in our homes.

Have you ever:

• Re-did a task you asked your husband to help with because he did it “wrong”? Like folding the towels a certain way?

• Told your husband how to parent your kids? For example, he chooses to discipline or play with your child in one way, but you tell him to stop or do it another way?

• Asked for his help around the house but then did the task yourself because it was taking him “too long” to get around to it?

• Corrected him in front of your kids?

• Shared or liked a reel or memo about how incompetent husbands are when it comes to child care, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc?

We want our husbands to lead, yet we take the lead in dozens of tiny little ways in our daily lives, especially when it comes to how our homes operate and the kids are raised, as if women have the exclusivity in the domestic sphere and therefore things must be done our way.

Do that enough and your husband will step back and let you take the lead.

If your actions and words imply that you know best, he won’t fight you on it, not in the long haul.

Because submission as a wife isn’t only in the big things, it’s also in the small daily things. It’s recognizing your husband’s opinions and input have value vs. letting our words and actions imply that we know better as wives.

When we announced we were pregnant with our second baby, a pastor asked how I felt about having a third child. I was confused and my face must have shown that because he cleared up that between Levi and my husband, that’s two kids and now we’ll be having another child. He was joking, but it’s these types of “jokes” that really irk me.

Maybe because there is truth to those jokes in many marriages. The more you nag your husband, the more you take on a mothering role in his life.

But even if you don’t nag, if your actions imply he isn’t able to do basic adulting things like cooking, cleaning, parenting, etc., aren’t you putting him on the same level as your kids?

Now, I’m not saying you should go tell your husband to do his own laundry and make dinner for himself because he’s an adult.

Instead, what if we leaned into how God designed marriage to be?

Giving up control and submitting to my husband’s leadership has taught me the beauty of doing life with someone you like and respect. It is incredibly freeing and has made me grow in so many good ways.

But it only works if both parties let the other person contribute to the partnership in their own way and using their strengths.

Before we got married, my husband and I talked about gender roles and our expectations on who would do what around the house, especially while we both worked full-time.

Daniel shared that he liked to cook and was excited to cook together. Which I thought was amazing.

Then we got married. Every time I’d cook, Daniel would try to help. He’d add spices, take over cutting or sautéing things, make suggestions on how to improve the dish.

I got so annoyed. To me, his actions indicated that I wasn’t doing a good enough job (to be fair, that’s how my mom taught me to cook and in her case, my cooking was not good enough for her standards so she’d take over and do things herself, but projecting how I felt cooking with my mom to my husband isn’t fair).

I’d silently huff and puff at his “help.” One day, I snapped and told him he can finish dinner if he’s so much better at it than I am. There were probably tears involved.

Once I calmed down and we talked it out, Daniel explained that he enjoyed cooking and sharing that experience with me - it had nothing to do with ability.

Even though I knew this, my pride told me I needed to do things my way and that as a woman I had to be the one cooking. That kind of feminine superiority negatively impacted my marriage and robbed me of a chance to learn from my husband.

It still took me awhile to yield in the kitchen (even though Daniel is a way better cook than I am!), but three years later, we’ve found a rhythm that works for us and cooking has become a seamless partnership.

I can give you so many more examples of how much I’ve grown by choosing to listen to and obey my husband instead of letting my pride tell me that I know best and disregarding his input.

In a marriage, we not only contribute in the unique ways that God created us as a male and female, but each person also brings their own unique strengths and experiences to the table.

I truly believe wives would be more relaxed and happy if we gave up control and leaned into our husbands leadership as God intended it to be. Yes, that includes in the domestic sphere too.

There’s another cliché you see often in reels / memes and wives complaining about: that husbands are so good at relaxing at home while wives can never stop cleaning, cooking, doing all the things.

We’ve had our moments when I felt like I needed to do 1,000 things and Daniel did not seem to feel that same sense of urgency.

But when we talked this out, he asked me who expected me to do all those things.

Which initially just made me mad - because who is going to keep the house clean and feed the kids if we all just relaxed?

But again, once I swallowed my pride and truly listened to my husband, he made a good point: the expectations were all my own. My husband didn’t expect me to do all those things and he certainly didn’t think I’m a bad wife if I rested (even though my mind tells me that lie!).

That’s been one of the most surprising, but life giving, benefits of learning to obey my husband: Daniel helps me take things off my list that aren’t truly as important as I make them out to be. Without his input, I overfill my plate and run myself haggard. I need him to help me slow down and prioritize.

Instead of trying to make my husband more like me, I’m learning I need to become more like him.

For a type-A overachiever that is so humbling, but it has also been a blessing for me and our marriage because it helps me show up as a more relaxed, fun wife and mom, rather than a stressed out, overstimulated, exhausted wife and mom (most days!).

And for the things on the list that do need to get done, Daniel is happy to help, even if sometimes I have to ask for his help (I know, we all wish husbands could read our minds and see things that need to get done and always do them without being asked, but again, men and women are different, so it’s not fair to expect my husband to be me 2.0).

So, I can choose to be frustrated if he does things his own way and in his time or I can let him be his own man and delight in his help.

I’m currently reading Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman. The author talks about how in France, even though women do more housework and childcare than men (but even at greater rates than in the US!), while working full time, French women are not bitter towards their husbands for not helping more at home. Pamela notes two reasons for this:

• Couples prioritize their marriage even in the season of raising littles (e.g., taking couple only vacations once a year, putting the kids to bed early and spending evenings together, prioritizing their health and appearance (ahem, sexiness).

• Wives let their husbands be husbands and dads in their own ways - they don’t correct them and don’t nag. Instead, the husband contributes according to his strengths, which in France, usually looks like helping with cooking and childcare.

There’s a story Pamela shares in the book about visiting a friend’s country house. It was also a couple with small kids. On Saturday morning, the dad got up early with the kids and went out to the local bakery to get baguettes. The wife slept in and, when she came down for breakfast in her PJs, she took a bite of the fresh baguette, smiled and told her husband how delicious it was.

The author noted that in similar scenes at her house, she would likely criticize her husband that he got the wrong kind of baguette and then complain that his watching the kids results in a giant mess that is now up to her to clean up after them.

That’s quite the contrast, right?

One delights in her husband’s contribution to the family. The other criticizes.

Sound familiar?

“A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” - Proverbs 14:1

So, what kind of wife are you?

Do you build build up your husband and your home?

Or do you tear it down with pride, control and criticism?

If you want more lighthearted fun and passion in your marriage and more rest and peace for yourself, try following your husband’s lead.

Include your husband in how your household operates, not by controlling, nagging or telling him what to do, but in leveraging his strengths, learning from him (including how to be okay with leaving things undone!), and delighting in his contribution, even if he does things differently than you would.

Just some advice from one type-A woman’s experience! Because sometimes, giving up control is actually the best thing you can do.

Until next time,

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